Publisher: Natuli

Editor in chief: Michał Dyrda

Lead editor: Alicja Szwinta-Dyrda

Illustrations & cover design: Kamila Loskot

Translation: Marek Kazmierski

English proofreading: Alan Lockwood

Author photo: Alicja Kędzierska

E-book: Kagira

© Natuli/natuli.pl

© Karolina Piotrowska/karolinapiotrowska.com

First edition, Szczecin 2021

ISBN 978-83-66057-30-2

Wszelkie prawa zastrzeżone. Żadna część tej książki nie może być wykorzystywania ani powielana w jakikolwiek sposób bez pisemnej zgody, z wyjątkiem krótkich cytatów zawartych w krytycznych artykułach i recenzjach.

Dedicated to my children, the finest teachers I have

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1

Sexuality and Sexual Development

WHAT SEXUALITY IS

WHAT SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT IS

PARENTS AND CHILDREN’S SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

WHAT POSITIVE SEXUALITY AND POSITIVE SEX EDUCATION ARE

SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT IN CULTURAL CONTEXTS, DEFINED BY PARENTAL CONVICTIONS AND BELIEFS

Chapter 2

Children’s sexual development over their first two years of life

HOW THE PARENT-CHILD BOND AFFECTS SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

BREAST FEEDING AND CHILDREN’S SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

THE PARENTS’ TOUCH AND CHILDREN’S SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

COMMUNICATION AS A FORM OF ACCEPTANCE

HOW TO TAKE EFFECTIVE CARE OF THE CHILD’S PERSONAL-HYGIENE NEEDS

NAMING SEXUAL ORGANS

NUDITY AND CURIOSITY ABOUT THE BODY

QUESTIONS PARENTS ASK AT THIS STAGE OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT

Chapter 3

Sexual development between two and four years in a child’s life

LEARNING TO USE THE TOILET: TOILET TRAINING

EXPLORING THE BODY

QUESTIONS CHILDREN TEND TO ASK AT THIS STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT

UNDERSTANDING GENDERS

CHILD MASTURBATION

CHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS’ SEX LIVES

THE ISSUE OF PEDOPHILIA

Chapter 4

Children’s sexual development from ages three to five

HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUALITY

QUESTIONS CHILDREN TEND TO ASK AT THIS DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE

SEXUALITY RELATED PLAY AND GAMES

CHILD EXHIBITIONISM

CHILDREN AND AUTONOMY

ADAPTING TO SOCIAL NORMS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

Chapter 5

Children’s sexual development from six or seven to nine years of age

CREATING GENDER IDENTITIES AND HOW PARENTS CAN SET EXAMPLES

ASSIMILATING WITH PARENTS OF THE SAME GENDER

QUESTIONS CHILDREN ASK IN THIS STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT

PEER DISCUSSIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY, OR AVOIDING THE TOPIC ALTOGETHER

ESTABLISHING INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

Chapter 6

Children’s sexual development from ages ten to twelve

CHANGES IN CHILDREN’S BRAINS

DISCUSSING GROWING UP AND PUBERTY

PUBERTY IN GIRLS

PUBERTY IN BOYS

PUBERTY AS A NATURAL STAGE IN LIFE

SEXUAL REACTIONS

RESPECTING BOUNDARIES

PORNOGRAPHY AS AN INFORMATION SOURCE FOR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX

WHAT CHILDREN OF ABOUT TEN TO TWELVE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX AND SEXUALITY

PROSTITUTION AND SEX WORK

SEX CRIMES

Chapter 7

Puberty and sexual maturity (from twelve or thirteen to eighteen years of age)

THE PERIOD OF AUTONOMY AND SETTING BOUNDARIES

THE TEENAGER’S BRAIN

PEER GROUPS

FIRST LOVES AND BREAKUPS

SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS

INITIAL SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED OR VENEREAL DISEASES (STDs, VD)

CONTRACEPTION

MASTURBATION

SEXUAL MATURITY AND EMOTIONAL MATURITY

PARENTS AND THEIR INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN’S SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

Introduction

Ever since I became a mother, I have been looking for publications aimed at young readers that deal with sexuality and the physical self in accessible ways. I do this intentionally, because I believe the quality of our sexual lives has a direct influence on how much satisfaction we derive from being alive. I would therefore very much like my children to receive a positive and approachable sort of sex education, allowing them to fully appreciate this grown-up aspect of our lives, and want with all of my heart for them to derive as much joy as possible from life as healthy adults.

I tend to find talking with children about sexuality relatively easy. My education (neuropsychology and clinical sexology) has clearly played a part in this, as well as my training in Nonviolent Communication (a deep-listening approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg). I also realized early on that the topic of children’s sexual development and their sex education is something many parents want to talk about. In this book, I want to share with readers the knowledge I have acquired, in ways that are both accessible and comprehensive, while also answering questions that often come up during my workshops, providing answers so very much needed by parents today. I am not going to trouble anyone with too much bare theory, preferring to focus on ways we can choose to respond to the ways in which children’s sexual development manifests itself, and to explain how children often behave at various stages of this process. Above all, I want to do so while accepting and attending to children’s complex needs.

Sexuality tends to be a taboo topic, potentially causing feelings of guilt and shame that lead us to leave many important things unsaid. Open-minded and well-researched attitudes to children’s sexual development should help us raise children who are body-positive and sex-positive throughout their lives.

Chapter 1

Sexuality and Sexual Development

Sexuality – in its own narrow context – is understood as the preparation and then readiness for engaging in sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is one of the most basic human needs, initiated by a powerful internal sex drive. In this narrow context, sexuality is a combination of activities that allow our species to multiply, survive and thrive. Yet for the purposes of this book, we will expand that focus to a much broader extent.

WHAT SEXUALITY IS

Until quite recently, the term “sexuality” related merely to the ability to have offspring. Were we to continue thinking in such narrowly focused ways, it would be necessary to conclude that sexuality only begins during early adolescence. Yet we now know that actual biological readiness to produce offspring does not make us capable of forming lasting, closely knit relationships (typically limited in our culture to attempts at procreation), and does not make us adept at sexual activity or capable of fully enjoying lovemaking processes.

Thinking in broad terms, sexuality includes a range of behaviors that are not biologically conditioned. By being sexually active, human beings satisfy not only their physical longings, but also the need for intimacy, closeness, understanding, acceptance and pleasure.

In the broader context, sexuality also includes:

accepting one’s body, gender and sexual orientation,

understanding and accepting experiences relating to the body and our thoughts,

appreciating one’s own sexual attractiveness (in relation to others and to ourselves),

communicating and connecting with other people.

Understood in these contexts, sexuality is not reducible to simple sexual intercourse, but is an attribute of all human beings – regardless of age, religion, origin, sexuality or gender. We should therefore consider all persons to be sexual from the start of their lives, and sexuality an essential aspect of being human. Such an understanding will allow us to analyze a range of behaviors, some of which may not appear related to sexuality at all, and then to notice ways in which these influence the development of human sexuality.

Humans are sexual beings from the start of their lives.

WHAT SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT IS

Children are born with a biologically programmed mechanism that guides their development. This process is multilayered, involving their practical and social skills, along with the drive to improve their mental faculties. We now know that reaching the age of sexual maturity involves the development of biological mechanisms needed to produce offspring, while the many stages of psychological and emotional sexual development begin at a much earlier age.

The process of sexual development is much like those of other complicated physical functions. A small child is born with hands and legs, but initially their movements are uncoordinated, for they are unable to consciously make use of their own body. It takes many months for them to learn to grasp objects, and even longer for them to learn to crawl and eventually to use their legs and walk.

In this same sense, each child comes into the world as a sexual being, their body capable of experiencing pain and pleasure, their sexual organs already present (clearly showing to which gender group the new human belongs) – from its earliest moments, each and every child seeks deep intimate contact with other human beings. It is only once they reach sexual maturity that each human begins to reveal functions that are strictly sexual (directly related to erotic desire and procreation). In earlier stages of personal development, each child will learn about their own body and sexuality, thus preparing to eventually make full use of their own sexual potential.

During their early years, children do not understand what sexuality might be, and yet in going through various stages of personal development they move towards achieving full sexual, psychological and emotional maturity. That is also likely to be the moment they realize their own mature form of sexuality.

Sexual development is a lifelong process.

Sexually mature persons not only become actively involved in sexual intercourse, they also understand the social and legal norms defining how and whether sexual contact can be initiated. Sexual maturity involves the understanding of one’s own sexual needs, the ability to derive pleasure from sex, as well as creating and maintaining close bonds with other people.

Interestingly, even those who may be considered sexually mature can continue to develop this aspect of their identities. We may therefore conclude that a person’s sexual development is a lifelong process, during which a person’s sexuality can change in relation to numerous factors, such as illnesses, traumatic experiences, having or not having children, and so on/.

What Sexology and Human Sexual Development Are:

Sexology is an interdisciplinary science

In this book we will refer to a range of disciplines, some of which will not be closely related to sex at all. And yet this broad scope of our research sources will allow us to better understand children’s sexual development.

Sexology is a new field of study

This means that many questions regarding sexuality have yet to be researched beyond simple, direct observation. In some cases, it is not possible at present to point conclusively to the causes of certain behaviors or their underlying meanings (this is when making reference to theories tested in other fields of research can be useful), with the only possibility being to conclude that a given behavior or activity observably involves a larger group of people.

Readers may also wish to be aware of their own sexuality, in order to experience this book with both curiosity relating to childhood development and with awareness of our own emotions and boundaries, as well as active interest in where certain types of feelings and responses may arise at various points during each of our engagements with the pages to come.

PARENTS AND CHILDREN’S SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

Many of us still consider sexuality a taboo topic. One reason for this is that few adults have had the benefit of honest, open conversations about sexuality with their own parents. Matters are complicated by a general lack of ready access to sex education. Various parts of the world differ in ways they present the subject in the context of the broader school curriculum, with no universal system in place to guide sexual development. This means that persons sharing similar educational backgrounds may have very different levels of awareness about this complicated topic. As a result, many adults lack the language needed to talk about sex, sensuality and all the interrelated topics. Once we come to talk about “these things,” we often use obtuse phrases, avoiding specific, detailed terms and topics, at times feeling confused and embarrassed. We often lack useful models to help us assist our children in the process of their sexual development.

The moment we accept the fact that children have sexual urges – which tend to make themselves felt at an early age through the desire to learn, discover and understand the body and all its functions, along with the wish to derive pleasure from it – we begin looking differently upon their behavior, leading also, hopefully, to reassessing our own preconceived ideas and patterns of behavior. A great deal depends on parents’ attitudes, in terms of whether children will grow up able to talk comfortably about sexuality, or whether it will prove a difficult and shameful topic of conversation for them.

A self-aware, wise parent leads their child through the process of sexual development by talking, but also by being conscious of many other actions (such as the way they touch their child, the way they relate to their own body, the way they show their partner love and affection). This “show don’t tell” form of education, through providing examples, is a very effective way of transferring not only knowledge, but first and foremost our attitudes towards sex, sexuality, the body and relationships, including loving others.

It is worth noting that each parent projects their own perceptions in this fashion, for this is a natural way of being with other human beings. Children simply take in what they see adults around them doing, making their own assumptions and copying what they can. As a result, we inevitably pass our own attitudes about sex down to our offspring, whether we intend to or not. It is also worth noting that these messages will be further shaped, later in our children’s development, by answers we give them once they begin asking us questions.

From the very start of a child’s life, parents are their very first teachers, providing examples of what is natural and normal. Children build up their perceptions of the world, bodies, relationships, sex and so forth from observing their own parents’ behaviors.

Questions for parents:

What does sexuality mean to you? What is sex for you?

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

Do you find it easy to talk about sex, bodies and sexuality, or is it more of a challenge? Why do you think this is?

What sort of sex education did you receive in your family home? What did you learn from watching your parents?

What do you want your child to learn from you about sexuality and sex?

WHAT POSITIVE SEXUALITY AND POSITIVE SEX EDUCATION ARE

Positive sexuality is an approach that accentuates the idea that sex and sexuality are both natural and good. They should not be thought of as taboo or become a cause for embarrassment or shame. The concept of positive sexuality maintains that deriving satisfaction from one’s sex life and remaining in close, fulfilling relationships with other people and our selves are crucial aspects of our total life experience. They play a substantial part in how happy and valued we feel as individuals and members of society.

We also need to indicate clearly here that the term “sex education” can refer to very different sorts of delivery. In some parts of the world, the topic may be limited to simple warnings about the risks of engaging in sexual activities, including sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). When such an educational delivery is based on fear, only focusing on showing potential dangers, young people are more likely to believe that sex is an inherently dangerous activity and is meant to be avoided. In turn, this can create substantial inner tension, as our psychophysical development naturally leads us to engage in these activities.

Positive sex education emphasizes the fact that sexuality is an integral part of human nature.

The development of sexual activity is something normal and typical for us as human beings. Becoming informed about potential risks and ways of protecting ourselves is but one topic that positive sex-education programs cover. This teaching approach can help develop assertiveness, covering topics relating to our bodies and intimacy, teaching us how to reject certain advances and also how to nurture healthy relationships, showing how we can feel we have the right to derive pleasure from sexual interaction and intercourse in a range of ways. It also leads to discussions of the diversity of other topics that tend to trouble young people during their development.

In a positive context, sexuality should be treated as something normal and natural. It is a topic worthy of discussion, an experience worthy of exploration. By confirming that our bodies and the pleasures to be derived from them are natural and good, we move away from feelings of guilt and shame, and open the way towards deepening our experience of healthy sexuality.

SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT IN CULTURAL CONTEXTS, DEFINED BY PARENTAL CONVICTIONS AND BELIEFS

Sexology, which is the science related to sexuality, is among the many fields of study that draw on research produced by numerous other sciences, including psychology, sociology, economics, medicine, art and anthropology. This is clearly because human sexuality is multidimensional. It is not just a biologically preprogrammed drive; it is the outcome of many factors that influence our behavior at various stages of our lives.

As a result of this, our sexuality is affected by all sorts of activities we become engaged in (including the jobs we do), our membership in various social groups (such as certain subcultures) and experiences we have in our lives (including injuries, traumas, etc.).

During our childhoods – the period when we begin to develop as sexual beings – we are powerfully affected by various factors, such as:

the cultures children grow up within,

beliefs/religious systems their parents adhere to,

parental convictions about sexuality, intimacy and gender roles.

One rule with no exceptions

Over the years I have been working with young people, I have never met a child who I would consider calling either “bad” or “no good.” Children are inherently decent, though at times they do adopt ways of interacting with the world that are hard to accept. If we want to understand other people, their behaviors and emotions, we had best avoid making any sort of snap judgment about them or their actions. I want to recommend, therefore, that we assume that every child is good, and then the sexual behaviors they begin to display will do nothing to change that. As a result, we will be able to adopt a nonjudgmental perspective and look at various activities according to the period in which they develop.